I recently attached my first name to my blog. Sorry, you aren't getting the last name. It's distinctive enough that I can be easily found, and that creeps me out. Call me a chicken or whatever you like, I don't need some of the more unhinged posters that resond to this blog showing up at my door.
That being said, I do owe it to a lot of people to put at least my first name out there. Sarah Palin recently spoke about anonymous bloggers hiding behind their blogs to verbally attack her. This isn't a political opinion peice, however; I'd like to point out that she is right. Anonymity gives a person greater freedom. Anonymity also has its place, such as forums and the like. When you're sharing your most private thoughts on a message board, hoping to find help for yourself, that anonymity is necessary.
Anonymity, hiding behind an avatar or screen name, has a responsibility with it. I am embarassed to say there was a time that I used that responsibility in ways to hurt other people. Not on this blog but on a forum I treasure to this day. I needed that anonymity in order to separate myself from the RL life me and the me that was hurting and searching for answers. That anonymity offered me the chance to share in ways that I wouldn't have if I had to use my real info.
That was then and this is now. Now, my goal is not so much to heal and put the pieces together so much as it is to help others heal and to raise awareness of what children of Borderlines go through. I can't do that hiding behind a screen name. It's disingenuous. I can't ask for someone to take me seriously if I can't take myself and my activism seriously enough to expose myself.
If my words are words that I would never say to another person, yet they are words that I want others to take to heart and learn from, then I owe it to whoever reads this to at least give you my first name. I admit to being afraid of being found by some of the more nasty elements out there, but what I really fear is my mom.
So you'll get my first name but not much else. At least not right now. I saw mom the other day at a store, and my first reaction (which was completely involuntary, btw) was to have tears spring to my eyes and look for the closest exit. The woman still scares the hell out of me. If she ever knew I wrote this and had exposed the topics that I have, she would make me pay. I have successfully extricated myself from her merry go round of anger once, but frankly I don't know how I could survive another round right now. My freedom, my wellness, is still too fragile 3 years into to No Contact to risk it. I hope everyone understands that and respects it.
I am going to start posting some new topics in the next few days. I'll be doing it in a serialization format. I have decided to try that because the sheer volume of some things wouldn't work well for a blog. They are simply too long. So I decided to serialize. It also has the benefit of allowing me to get things posted in a more in depth, concrete way and I can also post things on a more regular basis. I tend to be a perfectionist about this and stress myself out to the point that I don't post at all. Yes, I am working on that flea.
Thanks for understanding everyone, and I will post to you soon.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Thank you, Bill Gates
I recently attended the NEA BPD conference in MN. I was excited to meet some of the experts in the field and put a face to names I have read about for so long. A lot of the focus of the conference was on scientific research regarding the ins and out of BPD. How was it caused, what's the best treatment, etc.
What I didn't hear a lot of was separate children of Borderline's stories. It's something I am starting to notice a lot. I don't know-are people afraid of us or something? So much emphasis is put on the family aspect that too many professionals, IMO, arent' able to see the big picture. Children of the mentally ill are treated as if we are software, the Access application just standing by to run a query or form a report about our parent (thanks, Bill Gates). It offends me. We are more than that. We are more than collateral patients or collateral caregivers.
Yes, we are the ones who see what happens when meds aren't taken. We see our parent wishing to die, telling us how they want to die, and then 5 mins later telling us that no, they never said that. I know that my mom can't be trusted to give accurate info. I know that. I also know that in order to help her, the docs have to have the most accurate info they can get.
So here is what I propose-
1.Ask us if we are OK giving info, don't demand it because frankly, we don't owe you a thing.
2. Beyond emergency situations where drug allergies need to be known or something like that, give us the option of letting us either give the info to you then and there or maybe let us bring back a summary the next day because you know what? If we brought them in, chances are we've been dealing with their latest crisis for quite a while and would welcome a break.
3. If we refuse to give info you must respect that. So many of use have been interrogated by doctors and/or other mental health professionals who infer that somehow the latest crisis was our fault. An exmaple is a doc I once dealt with who was livid that I didn't monitor my mothers meds. I couldn't tell him when she had taken her last dose of Seroquel and he just lost it, sneering me and saying "how can I help her if you won't help me?" See what mean? From then on I couldn't do it anymore. I am not going to be put on the hook for my mom's own reckless actions.
4. When you find out mom has 12 different scripts from 7 different docs, plz don't take it out on me. I am as much in the dark as you are about her doctor shopping. I can't control her and if I could don't you think I would have by now?
5. Don't punish us for our parents behaviors. My mom may not always know what she is doing but that doesn't give anyone the right to blame me or my sibs. She may feel suicidal because the 3 of us chose NC, but she can also choose to call a crisis line or any other on call psych service she knows. If she doesn't call or ask for help then that is her choice and responsibility (or lack of it). When so called professionals take the options of getting better out of her hands, which means facing the reality she helped create rather than allowing her to blame others, and put them into mine; it keeps her ill.
What I am asking in a nutshell is this-don't assume I have the answers because if I did I would have fixed my parent a long time ago.
What I didn't hear a lot of was separate children of Borderline's stories. It's something I am starting to notice a lot. I don't know-are people afraid of us or something? So much emphasis is put on the family aspect that too many professionals, IMO, arent' able to see the big picture. Children of the mentally ill are treated as if we are software, the Access application just standing by to run a query or form a report about our parent (thanks, Bill Gates). It offends me. We are more than that. We are more than collateral patients or collateral caregivers.
Yes, we are the ones who see what happens when meds aren't taken. We see our parent wishing to die, telling us how they want to die, and then 5 mins later telling us that no, they never said that. I know that my mom can't be trusted to give accurate info. I know that. I also know that in order to help her, the docs have to have the most accurate info they can get.
So here is what I propose-
1.Ask us if we are OK giving info, don't demand it because frankly, we don't owe you a thing.
2. Beyond emergency situations where drug allergies need to be known or something like that, give us the option of letting us either give the info to you then and there or maybe let us bring back a summary the next day because you know what? If we brought them in, chances are we've been dealing with their latest crisis for quite a while and would welcome a break.
3. If we refuse to give info you must respect that. So many of use have been interrogated by doctors and/or other mental health professionals who infer that somehow the latest crisis was our fault. An exmaple is a doc I once dealt with who was livid that I didn't monitor my mothers meds. I couldn't tell him when she had taken her last dose of Seroquel and he just lost it, sneering me and saying "how can I help her if you won't help me?" See what mean? From then on I couldn't do it anymore. I am not going to be put on the hook for my mom's own reckless actions.
4. When you find out mom has 12 different scripts from 7 different docs, plz don't take it out on me. I am as much in the dark as you are about her doctor shopping. I can't control her and if I could don't you think I would have by now?
5. Don't punish us for our parents behaviors. My mom may not always know what she is doing but that doesn't give anyone the right to blame me or my sibs. She may feel suicidal because the 3 of us chose NC, but she can also choose to call a crisis line or any other on call psych service she knows. If she doesn't call or ask for help then that is her choice and responsibility (or lack of it). When so called professionals take the options of getting better out of her hands, which means facing the reality she helped create rather than allowing her to blame others, and put them into mine; it keeps her ill.
What I am asking in a nutshell is this-don't assume I have the answers because if I did I would have fixed my parent a long time ago.
Monday, January 5, 2009
I'm sure you all missed me
I haven't posted here for a few months. Had a nasty case of DeQuervain's Tenosynovitis and it was hard to type. But I'm back! Oh happy day. I am sure the whole 5 people who read this are rolling their eyes about now and that's OK. I'm used to it.
This first post for a new year will be short as it's midnight and I really need to start going to work on mondays. I hate mondays. Well, not really; what I really hate is my job; justlike everyone else in the world I want to be doing something else. But, I still have one and for that I am grateful. Kind of. No, really I am........*sigh*
So here are some things for everyone to ponder; things that keep me up late at night. As if I needed a reason.....
1. Do pharmaceutical reps train with real drug dealers or vice versa? I seriously ponder this. Think about it! Reps have their own territories just like dealers have their own corners. They all promise this drug will make you "feel real good" and have little to no side effects. All things dealers have said to me. And hey, when you buy in bulk both give a discount. Ah, capitalism!
2. How can countries in Europe get their drugs and/or treatments for so much cheaper than us average Joe's here in the USA? You really want to know? It's called Universal Health Care and price controls. The big pharma companies will tell you that price controls lower quality and stifle development which in turn stifles available treatments, which leaves people who really need these drugs with no alternatives for their mental health care. Speaking from my LIFE as a child of a mentally ill mother who had rows upon rows of these wonderful free market anitdepressants, I can tell you that zombifying someone with a mental illness is not a treatment. It is, however, a money maker. They make money while children such as my siblings and I worry about basic necessities such as how dad would pay the mortgage when mom's prescriptions ate up a huge portion of the family budget.
These are a few of my thoughts that have been knocking around my head for the last few months. Feel free to comment-keep it clean, keep it in topic, and if you feel a compelling urge to give a poor student money I won't turn it down. :)
This first post for a new year will be short as it's midnight and I really need to start going to work on mondays. I hate mondays. Well, not really; what I really hate is my job; justlike everyone else in the world I want to be doing something else. But, I still have one and for that I am grateful. Kind of. No, really I am........*sigh*
So here are some things for everyone to ponder; things that keep me up late at night. As if I needed a reason.....
1. Do pharmaceutical reps train with real drug dealers or vice versa? I seriously ponder this. Think about it! Reps have their own territories just like dealers have their own corners. They all promise this drug will make you "feel real good" and have little to no side effects. All things dealers have said to me. And hey, when you buy in bulk both give a discount. Ah, capitalism!
2. How can countries in Europe get their drugs and/or treatments for so much cheaper than us average Joe's here in the USA? You really want to know? It's called Universal Health Care and price controls. The big pharma companies will tell you that price controls lower quality and stifle development which in turn stifles available treatments, which leaves people who really need these drugs with no alternatives for their mental health care. Speaking from my LIFE as a child of a mentally ill mother who had rows upon rows of these wonderful free market anitdepressants, I can tell you that zombifying someone with a mental illness is not a treatment. It is, however, a money maker. They make money while children such as my siblings and I worry about basic necessities such as how dad would pay the mortgage when mom's prescriptions ate up a huge portion of the family budget.
These are a few of my thoughts that have been knocking around my head for the last few months. Feel free to comment-keep it clean, keep it in topic, and if you feel a compelling urge to give a poor student money I won't turn it down. :)
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