Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dr, Drew, Nadya Suleman, and BPD

I watched an interesting interview today with the anchor of Showbiz tonight and Dr. Drew Pinksy. Nadya Suleman isn't addicted to fame, she's addicted to herself!
Here ya go-

I admit to being a little stunned that someone is finally saying the words that Dr. Phil was too chicken to say. It still shocks me when BPD is mentioned in the media. What doesn't shock me is that Ms. Suleman is finally being called out for her narcissism. I don't know if she has BPD but I can say she certainly has some traits of that and/or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
First, has anyone else noticed the ages of her 6 other kids? The kids are ages 7, 6, 5, 3 and twin 2 year olds. Anyone else notice a pattern here? She had another baby each time the previous one started showing the natural inclination of becoming independent and separating from mom. People with NPD or BPD don't see their children as separate human beings. These parents are not able to separate their child from their own selves. While most moms with a PD don't go on to have 14 kids, a lot of moms with a PD do go on to have more children than they can care for (financially, emotionally, etc.) in order to get their own needs met. As soon as one child becomes independent they have/adopt another.
I think that's a big part of Nadya's problem. She has spoken about the feelings of loneliness she experienced as a child. She's using these kids to fill a decades old void. It's as if she thinks these kids can go back in time and heal her hurts. A lot of people do this altho not everyone that has kids in order to heal a hurt is mentally ill or has a PD. However, red flags start popping up with people like Ms. Suleman.
She has no job, and says she lives on student loans. She says she doesn't get welfare, but then admits she gets food stamps and assistance from the state because 2 of her kids have special needs. Yeah, Nadya-that's called welfare. When you can't financially take care of any aspect of your children's care and instead have to rely totally on the government, you're on welfare, baby.
That's the other thing that gets me. It's the sense of entitlement she has. That entitlement issue is a hallmark of PD behaviors. This woman feels entitled to collect children as if they were beanie babies! She takes entitlement to a whole new level when she has 8 children at once, knowing they would need special care. And yes, that's a given. The human body was not meant to give birth to litters. Did she think of that? Did she wonder how she would be able to love 14 children, and bond with 8 preemies? Nope. She just wanted the kids, got a good deal at the fertility clinic and figured what the hell, it's a 2 for 1 special.
This woman and my mother are so similiar it's spooky. Mom craves a attention, just like Nadya does. Mom preens for any camera, and Nadya alyways looks put together. No frazzled hair, no towels over the shouldrt, no bags under the eyes like every other mother of small children and newborns would look. What mother of 14 kids has time to prep like?! Oh wait...a mother who has other people caring for her kids.
Mom also has no impulse control whatsoever. It's pretty obvious how this lack of control manifested in Nady'a life.
Mom had and HAS no concept of money. Neither does Nadya. Nadya has already paraded them her children television and her video blog via While I get it that she needs to make a living, that rationale is like saying the dynamite was there, so I had to blow up the building. This woman HAD a choice. She is continually choosing to sell her kids, plain and simple.
The saddest way mom and this are similiar is that neither should have had any kids at all. These children are here to serve their mom's emtional needs, as my sibling and I were. She can't possible bond with precious babies. That parental bond, whether mother or father, is so important. Unfortuantely for them their lives and independent selves do not count in Nadya's eyes. They have a role to play and Nadya will make sure they do no matter what the cost. This burden of being a parents ethereal dream is a heavy, heavy burden to bear. They are being set up to experience incredible amounts of chaos. Children who live in chaos CONTINUE TO CREATE CHAOS AS ADULTS. They also grow up parentified, angry, and at a high risk for drug and alcohol use. I pretty much went thru all of what I just typed so don't think I pulled that out of nowhere. I am speaking from experienc
Nadya is like a little girl trapped between the ages of 12-14. Little girls can't raise children! They can baby-sit but even then it's for short perioods of time. Many people with a PD are emotionally "stuck" at what was for them a traumatic age. Nadya likes the cute babies, seems reasonably responsible on the surface but...spend some time observing her and you realize her reasoning is flawed. It's the reasoning of a young girl, someone who doesn't have the ability see beyond tomorrow. As someone who was a young girl not so long ago, I can say that my reasoning at 12-14 was pretty much awful. I was like a butterfly, flitting to every new thing but never really finishing anything, not able to commit to a life changing event.
I feel for these kids. They are in for a nightmare and need all the prayes, hugs, and good thoughts we can send them.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if my parents understand what they put the 3 of us thru. I know I said I was going to do a some stuff on venting, but this issue is more pressing to me right now. Does it even register to Borderline parents that the chaos they inflict stays with their child well thru adulthood? Does the non parent realize that their fear of being alone or divorced is teaching their child to stay in an abusive relationship? Both of you, Borderline and non parent, are teaching your child to live a miserable life! Why would you want that for your child?
I don't know if it's a generational gap or what. You know, my parents came from the whole generation of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, sticking with a commitment even if kills you, and generally shunning any form of happiness. Not that mine is much better-we pop a pill to control our moods, many of us move in with our parents because it's "too hard" to live in a a crappy apartment when we're young and just starting out, and in general feel entitled to the good life without having to work for it.
I just...I see a lack of understanding even in my own life. I don't think my dad gets it. He continued to stay married to a woman who handed their dtr over to a pedophile. He stayed married to her knowing that her treatment of his children wasn't just bad, it was abusive. He knew that, and he ignored it. He looked away because it was too painful for him to deal with. He let his children become the adults and he the child.
I struggle with that yet today. I don't know how to just relax and...act my age, I guess. I am 30 and I act like I am 60, so I am told. So responsible. So serious. What do I do for fun, people ask. Huh...not much. I never really considered fun was something I could have. That's something I am trying to change, albeit slowly and painfully. After living in fear of being laughed at or humiliated, I am finally ready to just get out and live life. But it's scary, and sometimes like tonight I am angry that I got so ripped off. I can't change it, I know, but I feel like my own parents ripped off my chilhood so they could continue their dance of denial. The video I am attaching is what I wish I my parents, or even just my dad, would say/acknowledge/admit-

Monday, March 23, 2009

A Brief How Y'all Doin?

I apologize for not getting part 2 of the vent series out. Finals, hand problems, etc. have been plaguing me recently. I will post soon! Thanks for all the inquires, I really am OK!

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Anatomy of An Unchosen's Vent, Part 1 of 7

Before I start this entry, I'd like to give the defintion of a vent, taken from an online dictionary:
v. vent·ed, vent·ing, vents
1. To express (one's thoughts or feelings, for example), especially forcefully.
2. To release or discharge (steam, for example) through an opening.
3. To provide with a vent.
1. To vent one's feelings or opinions.
2. To be released or discharged through an opening.

Children of Borderline parents are not allowed to express any emotion the parent deems unacceptable. Expressing anger or embarassment about a parents behavior is strictly verboten. Attemtpting to talk to the non-parent is often a fruitless endeavor. The non-parent is often so consumed by the Borderline parent that little is left in the way of parenting.
Effective communication, getting along with others, etc. are all skills children learn through a parents example. When you are parented by a Borderline, you learn-
* Might makes right
* Whoever yells the loudest wins
* It's more important to "win" than to resolve a conflict
* Hurting, insulting, or generally cutting a person down is OK
* No other point of view is to be accepted over one's own. All other points of
view are to be ridiculed
Vents from an Unchosen are usually the result of our feeling stifled, ignored, etc by our Borderline parent. In contrast, and in my own experience, my Borderline Mother's vents always stemmed from 2 things-1)her huge sense of entitlement (she'd "vent" that people weren't listening when in fact they were listening just not giving her whatever it was she wanted), or 2)she'd use it as a tool when she felt someone had abandoned her (usually a friend who got wise to mom's ways). Honestly, I have never seen my mom "vent" for any other reason.
When you are exposed to and taught the above behavior, it's no wonder Unchosens tend to engage in what I call "epic vents." I will give the definition of an epic vent in a later post but for a quick defintion an epic vent is when you keep going...and going...and going, not realizing your friend on the other line of the phone has fallen asleep!
So, if these vents aren't helpful in the grand scheme of things why do Unchosens do them? First, it's what we know. That is not an excuse for poor behavior, it is a reason. And yes, I know the reason still doesn't make it right. Secondly, by the time we have had enough and have started to vent, we typically have lost all control over our emotions.

We wind up behaving like the parent who hurt us.

A HUGE difference exists between an Unchosen's vent and a vent from someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Unchosen's feel remorse and regret for the people they hurt. Borderlines are remorseful and regretful only that someone caught on to them and stopped the con. Unchosen's don't feel justified in hurting someone, whereas the Borderline operates almost solely within the "get them before they get me" mentality.
For a lost of us, myself included, the feelings of embarassment are the catalyst for deciding to change. Eventually we realize, with a sickening clarity, that our behavior matches that of our sick parent. We start to lose friends, jobs, and spouses. It's an awful feeling to realize that you are hurting others in the same way your parent so annihilated you.
Learning how to undo the Borderline parent's influence is difficult but can be done. What I and other unchosen must learn is to communicate as we live and as things happen, not to store things up until the pressure is too great. This just starts the whole circle again.
The 1st step is realizing what our venting style is. I will post more on the styles of venting on Friday the 13th. It should be interesting!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Vent Factor, 1 of 1 "Spinning Our Wheels"

Lots of people like to talk about needing to vent. Let's be honest, "venting" is a nice term for whining, bitching, and complaining. Venting, IMO, is a tool used for unrecognized anger.It has it's place, don't get me wrong. But I see SO MANY unchosen using the term "I need to vent" as a way to spin their collective wheels. The cycle of venting when you have a parent with a personality disorder is never ending. Seriously, the verbal attacks and phsychological assaults will never stop with an unrecovered parent.
So we turn to this thing called venting. We blow off our steam and clean out our filled to bursting psyches. We feel refreshed, lighter somehow. It's a heady feeling to get all that junk out in the open. Venting is almost always done with some sort of audience, be it a friend, a blog or a forum. Somehow this thing called venting just doesn't work as a single activity.
I have seen this again and again in real life-an unchosen vents over and over. It feels so good we just keep going....and going... and going. We beat the proverbial horse to death with ultimately the same topics. Sooner rather than later we realize that the same people who encouraged us to vent no longer return our calls or e mails. But hell, we don't care. In a way that almost mirrors our PD parent we just look for new people to listen to us.
What happens more often than not is that we end up chasing our tails. It's a vicious cycle, this venting. It's addicting, really. We get a high off of the release of our words.
But we get stuck. A lot of unchosen's can't seem to get out of "vent" mode and into talk mode. By talk mode, I mean having a "venting" session where we can hear the feedback of the person we talk to. So often, any feedback at all is considered to be worthless because the person we vent to has no idea what we are going thru (or so we seem to think). Because of the anger associated with venting, many unchosen (including myself at times) get extremely defensive when the person we vent to expresses anything but complete agreement with our thoughts.
I so wish I could just show my life as a movie. I want to alternately shake and hug the unchosens I see who spin their wheels with this venting. I want to scream "all it does is keep the cycle of crap going." I wish people could see how many people I have lost because of my need to "vent."
It doesn't have to be that way, and I promise that by Sunday I will have part 2 of venting.