Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Sometimes I Wonder

Sometimes I wonder if my parents understand what they put the 3 of us thru. I know I said I was going to do a some stuff on venting, but this issue is more pressing to me right now. Does it even register to Borderline parents that the chaos they inflict stays with their child well thru adulthood? Does the non parent realize that their fear of being alone or divorced is teaching their child to stay in an abusive relationship? Both of you, Borderline and non parent, are teaching your child to live a miserable life! Why would you want that for your child?
I don't know if it's a generational gap or what. You know, my parents came from the whole generation of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, sticking with a commitment even if kills you, and generally shunning any form of happiness. Not that mine is much better-we pop a pill to control our moods, many of us move in with our parents because it's "too hard" to live in a a crappy apartment when we're young and just starting out, and in general feel entitled to the good life without having to work for it.
I just...I see a lack of understanding even in my own life. I don't think my dad gets it. He continued to stay married to a woman who handed their dtr over to a pedophile. He stayed married to her knowing that her treatment of his children wasn't just bad, it was abusive. He knew that, and he ignored it. He looked away because it was too painful for him to deal with. He let his children become the adults and he the child.
I struggle with that yet today. I don't know how to just relax and...act my age, I guess. I am 30 and I act like I am 60, so I am told. So responsible. So serious. What do I do for fun, people ask. Huh...not much. I never really considered fun was something I could have. That's something I am trying to change, albeit slowly and painfully. After living in fear of being laughed at or humiliated, I am finally ready to just get out and live life. But it's scary, and sometimes like tonight I am angry that I got so ripped off. I can't change it, I know, but I feel like my own parents ripped off my chilhood so they could continue their dance of denial. The video I am attaching is what I wish I my parents, or even just my dad, would say/acknowledge/admit-

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