Sunday, June 29, 2008

Do You Dream of Me?

One of my fav songs by Michael W. Smith is “Do you Dream of Me.” One of the lines is “you know you hold my heart and always will.” As I count down the days to turning 30 I find myself missing my mom more and more. Not the sadistic, abusive mom I had for so many years. I miss the mom I had for a few short months, the mom I successfully went shopping with. She didn’t criticize, she didn’t throw clothes over the door with an order to try it on, it will look different when you have it on. No more drill sergeant! I loved it. She let me be me. She patiently listened to the convoluted plot lines of my fav Farscape episodes, she laughed at my attempts to decorate, and we talked for hours on the phone. It was nothing terribly important that we talked about, but to have the ability to do what so many of my girlfriends could do was and is a treasured memory.

She was so much fun for the short time I had her. We would watch the Independent Movie channel; she let me watch The Apprentice every Thursday night at her place. We switched off who bought dinner and when it was her turn, and I KNEW she really didn’t have the $$$ she still wouldn’t let me pay.

Sometimes I wish I had never had those few months. It’s a cruel twist of fate that right before the awful end I had to have the best of times with her. I didn’t want to see it when she started to crack again. I tried to hold on to her for as long as I could. I made excuses like it was the new meds (of which the woman had many), the divorce from my dad was taking a toll on her, etc.

God and I have had many yelling matches about the screwy final months I had with mom. A bit of advice here-it’s really not a good idea to yell at the sky, even if you are in a state park. The Rangers tend to rush you off because of fake bear sightings and adults tell their kids not to go near the crazy lady at Whitewater Beach. I trust His plan but don’t always agree with it. I have told the Big Guy that this better play out later in life, I had better understand why this had to happen the way it did or He and I would be having the Big Talk when I got to His place.

In the 2 years that I have been no contact with mom so many good things, so many blessings, have come into my life. The sad fact is a lot of those things would not have happened, or I wouldn’t know they were there, if I had continued contact with her. We both lost so much.

I wonder if she knows-

* that going NC was the worst and best thing I have ever done

*that I did it as much for her as for me

*as I walked away I had to fight not to look back. I could hear her sobbing so hard we honestly thought she was going into a massive panic attack or was going to give herself a heart attack

*the sick feeling I had when we drove away, knowing that she now had no
one in her life that knew her whole history. She had no informed advocate
and for a while she would be at the mercy of a system that itself was dysfunctional.

To quote some more from the MWS song“Give It Away:”

…. love isn't love
'Til you give it away
You gotta give it away

As we live
Moving side by side
May we learn to give
Learn to sacrifice

I gave the love I could and I gave it freely. My mother gave what she had to give and we both sacrificed for it. Someday, somehow I hope it is enough.

The hardest part of love is letting go/but there’s a greater love that holds us/pray for me……and I know that one day love will bring us back around.

Yes, the above is from MWS; it’s “Pray for Me.”

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