It’s an interesting way to live when your parent has a personality disorder. You really are living on the border; the border between being a kid and an adult, between loving and despising your parent, between wanting them to just finish the job and commit suicide and being ready to give anything for their recovery. I understand that people mean well and try to support us yet below are a few of things that I (and my unchosen friends) find the most offensive.
1. “Your parent loved you the best they could.” If the way my mother loved me was the best she could do and that’s cool with you, I feel bad for your kids.
2. “You’ll regret it if you go No Contact with them.” Actually, no I don’t & no I won’t. I regret that it took me so long and that I had to humiliate myself in so many ways before I understood that contrary to what mom said, she had no desire to get better.
3. “It’s time to forgive and forget, your mom/dad has said they are sorry, what more do you want?” I want an honest apology, actually. I want an apology where she doesn’t look at her damn audience to see if she has them believing her theatrics. I want an apology that doesn’t focus on how she feels about abusing me.
4. “It’s time to grow up and realize your mom/dad needs your support.” And while we do this, who, pray tell, will support us thru dozens of trips to the ER, calls to psychiatrists in the middle of the night, hold our hand or hold us when we see our parent close to death in ICU? What, not you? You’re too busy? Go figure.
5. “That’s just the way s/he is.” Ok, so s/he gets the freedom to be who s/he wants to be and I don’t? I have no freedom to be me and say enough is enough? Well guess what- wanting my own life and an end to the insanity is just me being me. Deal with it.
6. “S/he doesn’t know what s/he is doing.” Oh s/he knows. That right there is bullsh*t. I know my mother has periods of disassociating that leave her memory wiped yet she always had/has the foresight to have a back up story. She may not remember the details but she remembers enough to know she needs/needed to cover her a$$.
7. “Why can’t you just get along with your mom/dad?” Because it’s impossible to get along with a tiger when all they see in you is dinner.
8. “It’s an illness.” Yes, I know. When I’m ill I go to the doctor, follow instructions, and take any meds as prescribed. My borderline parent, on the other hand, goes to doctor after doctor, looking for the one that tells her she can blame someone else for her illness.
9. “You’re so angry sometimes.” Gee, ya think? Really, does it show that much?
10. “Can’t you let it go?” Allow me to translate this from coward into the English language. Anyone who says the above is really saying “can’t you turn a blind eye like me so I don’t feel uncomfortable?”